Step 1. Ask for a glass of water. Everyone needs to drink water. You’re only human.
Step 2. Keep looking around as if your friend is going to arrive any moment, and you need to wait until they arrive before you order anything, because you’re fucking polite.
Step 3. Get up and look at their selection of desserts, then ask which one is the best. After listening to the barista describe what is in each pastry, make a self-deprecating joke about how you really shouldn’t eat anything because you’re fat enough already, and sit back down. Do not look back.
Step 4. Ask about the inspiration for the décor. What were they going for when they decided to place that plant by the window? What’s with all the chairs?
Step 5. Flirt with the cashier. She’s not just being nice to you because her job depends on quality customer service! She really likes you! Don’t get thrown off your game when she asks if you’ll be buying anything. Just go back to your seat. Do not look back.
Step 6. Flirt with various inanimate objects. You’ll seem really quirky and mysterious, and unlike your interaction with the cashier, you won’t feel rejected!
Step 7. Go to the bathroom. You had a lot of water. You’re only human.
Step 8. Start a small fire, but then put it out before it escalates. You’ll be a hero and score major points with that plant/cashier!
Step 9. Tear open all the sugar packets you can find and empty them over your head, making it appear as if it is snowing. This works especially well in the summer, making customers feel nostalgic for their last snowfall and sometimes even a bit cooled off.
Step 10. Ask the person next to you to watch your things while you go to the bathroom. Then, find a corner where you can hide safely and watch them watch your things. If nothing happens, pay someone to steal your things and see if the person reacts. This helps nothing but could be interesting to watch.
Step 11. Drink as much skim milk and cream as you can without stopping, and see how long it takes you to puke. Write the time down so you can try to beat it next time.
Step 12. Help them kick out the homeless guy who refuses to buy anything. It’s just inconsiderate to stay there all day without doing any work. I hope he knows he isn’t fooling anyone.